#5

its been a while havent been in much of a writing mood lately but here goes...
the holidays as you know have been utter shite but it started looking up went to my friends bday and that was fun. told the guy my issues he seemed understanding but he rold my friends bf that his concern is the fact i have a kid which is fair enough its a totally different lifestyle. we'll see other than that no progress...
been switching up between eating like a monster and being restrictive and i cant seem to get up to my lowest required weight dont know whats going on the past few days been eating quite a bit junk and chocolate included. i should be happy but i want to get better...at one point i hit like 67kg and idk but i looked in the mirror and yeah the two almost three lines of rib bone on my chest made me happy but the stomach sags more (thanks pregnancy) and more visible cellulite on my thighs also realizing at the top i cant get more narrow because no matter how much you starve your rib cage wont reduce in size so hit the limit there. i really need to get with the exercise and tone up i think i could find a bit of satisfaction in that. yeah i could loose some weight but i've realized this is my weight my natural weight so deal with it bitch...ana mia i am talking to you. been sick all week i am the snot monster. murrr....
smootches

A bit about recovery...

Since i started blogging again i havent even wrote about the actual process.

Cut down on artificial sweeteners as well as stevia.
Pretty much did that every now and then i'll have something 0 sugar.

Eat regularly at least 3 times a day but better 5 small portions to keep from having that starvation binge
Working on it have really restrictive days but sometimes i get my 3 meals

If its portion size try eating something with more cals
Yeah i can do that sometimes, pasta with creamy sauce and such

Since we EDs are usually overachievers I held out on b/p almost a month straight but it wasnt my want to i felt like a junky needing a hit then i drank to much cab had to pull over i barf and.ita not OMG my colleague is sitting.in here with me but why the fuck did I ever stop...when I told my therapist she goes I'd rather have you eating regularly and b/p ing on occasion than not eating for fear of it because thats what was happening eating once at most one day all i had was a cherry tomatoe she was like not good the patients she has seen usually got better once they got the eating down and i mean its true at first when i ate regularly i really didnt feel to bad i started feeling better physically for a while i was riding on a high until the fucking emotions came and realizing shit about myself. I had gotten to the point loosing weight wasnt an issue just kinda maintaining. Going with it. To be fair i did cheerleading for a while which it was mostly getting stamina up they didnt start learning the routine so the toning was awesome but had to quit my kid couldnt handle it. With work and cheerleading i barely saw her anymore and she was suffering and the guilt came up so after quitting flab returned the food was becoming an issue again...realized i liked the fling just to much to handle and now i am so torn between getting better and just saying fuck this shit let me just waste away. Cant lie my two brits are the shit those girls havr pulled me out of a funk with them i can eat and enjoy the food.
I think for me the worst thing was thanksgiving. Some colleagues and me planned it i cooked just about everything for it ate like a true american huge ass plates and then the next day things really went downhill....i felt overfull and even if i enjoyed the night it was complete shite the following days...then i got sick with a really bad flu i couldnt smoke ciggies sounded like an asthmayic and with nerves on end would just randomly throw up at work without aid and that shits fucking scary i am on edge and my body is voluntarily purging empty stomach or not. So i started thinking fuck why am i bothered my body is giving up regardless granted logically i knew it was the stress and depression and true emotions returning anxiety in public places ive been so close to panic attacks lately its so damn hard so damn hard i know its worth it but i dont feel it is right now
Smootches
P.s. My therapist told me i always have the choice to go back to my e.d.  and even after our sessions are done i can go back. Sounds crazy but it does help doesnt make it feel forced and reminds me its my choice which is good dont really feel free in my life which is prolly why the mia and ana have this hold on me but they're controlling bitches to huh

#4

Self-disgust took a step on my scale after my shower today. I am supposed to weigh myself once a week not more not less, usually i skip it i am that mythological ostrich that sticks its head in the sand except my neck is not as long and thin but my ass is just as wide in proportion to the rest of my body. I lost weight. WTF noooo fucking way been stuffing my face since the weekend before x-mas. Telling you scales a fucking part of the recovery conspiracy gotta be a fucking liar. So sometimes I look at recent pics of me because at times they put shit into perspective like you arent as fat as you think. Bad fucking idea. I know its Ed talking turning my emotional mess onto my body but who says logic is in charge. So my already insomnia weakened mind looked at pics from christmas. Bad idea! Fat fucking heiffer however collar bones look good just want them sculpted out a bit more...see i know its just ed talking but uuugh its slippery slope right now back into my "comforting" hell. might post pics later of my transformations this past year. Feb/march last year cut all my hair off like 3-4mm. So now its growing again still short especially since I cut a style into it before I looked like a really bad beatles imitator...bad helmet hair. Anyways so yeah what do i do start my fucking day with coffee and a cigarette. To most people thats normal for me fucking old behaviors towards restriction. Not to mention the b/ping caught up with me this summer fucking acid reflux. Whole time was trying to figure out the chest pains dizzyness my doc telling me i am faking it to get sick notes for work. Sit and spin mofo went to hospital they ran tests fucking acid reflux. So explains the dizzyness and chestpain, yeah so coffee bad idea. Dropped my energy drinks sure they didnt help when all you drink is sugar free energy and coffee and nothing else stomach said fuck yoooooouuuuu. Well it's hard my therapist is on vacay won't see her again until next week fuck. So on the edge of saying fuck it, still. Hopefully my fickleness pays off and I change my mind on that one. As much as i bitch i do want to get better i really do but its fucking hard. Not gonna sit here and write bullshit how great i am doing however somethings have changed. For example eating in public works.even enjoying the food while eating it cant always stop guilty thoughts after but it has gotten better. I can eat breakfast now...not when i go into restrictive mode but we are talking about good days. So yeah some things have changed but food and all my self-ingrained habits regarding it are still what i yearn for in bad times. Might do a post with the pics of this past year although i have avoided cameras as much as possible.
New year sucks ass mates everywhere all you see is diet tips, pictures of before and after and hear people saying i will loose weight this year, including friends.
I hear people complainin i am gonna starve myself yeah bitch got one on you don't do it its the start of a trip to hell. One of the lower levels if you want to leave demons will claw at you to keep you and if you fight them off and get out its just another hell with more horrifying demons, with higher xp points and new skills, these bastards attack on a personal level and you know some of those other demons from the other hell are still clinging to you low level ones but pshhh your xp is +.5 pts. Not much you can do about that stumbling around figuring out which demons to pic and whether to follow or fight. I know 20 million quotes out there of strength inspiration and not a damn one does the trick...cant lie glad to have friends who can sometimes snap me out of the return thoughts but its fucking tempting mates fucking tempting....
Once again a random jumble
Smootches

#3

No weed no sleep....
Yeah guess what still a pothead...probably for life. As my insomnia has returned (don't need to starve to suffer) when I have something to smoke it's what lets me sleep. Since I don't have any I am awake its 1:33 am here. Ugh hate it just non-productive negative hateful thoughts....about myself.
Its pathetic...all this therapy and I am not able to tell myself snap the fuck out of it you are awesome.
Currently I am undecided about one of my friends bdays this coming weekend. Can I put on my miss america smile for a few hours? It's a dinner they will be partying after and since I am coming with kid i will just go home to my thoughts. I wonder is there even a fucking point...I know i know might be a good idea to escape for a bit but usually that little bit of escape makes the drop down so much harder. Its like sitting in a hole with just a bit of light...enough to see the outline of your hand but thats it. And out of nowhere someone drops an MP3 player down, you start listening get to song 3 a personal favorite you are singing your soul out at you fave part and the battery dies. WTF not like you have a charger. Yeah these ventures into happiness are a motherfucking mind fuck. If it keeps going like this though i know i wont even have that mp3 drop anymore either people got their own shit to worry about. And see now i could write shitloads on how i could be a burden on people blah blah.
Crappy shit fuck blarggggghhhhhh
Why is it so much easier to convince yourself how shit you are than how awesome. Fuuuck me.
Whine whine whine
I hate whiners...i hate myself...it works i guess...
That dinner is a pain just want to starve all week so i dont feel like a heiffer its semi dressy but since i wont be going out might wear jeans...no jeans make me feel fat so fuck that. Yeah its easier to think about clothes truly a passion dont ask me about brands but show me the clothes...anyway best try sleep or laying in the dark all night...got shitloads to handle with holidays over

Smootches

#2

So happy new year....yeah don't have much hope considering last year and my current state of mind so no expectations no resolutions.

A bit of review....
Last year was interesting I guess, got me a therapist to start recovery which started good except you know how eating disorders bring out your overachiever...yeah thats my struggle now but more on that later.

Had a fling with a guy at work which is a bad idea. He's not a bad guy and I guess we were alike in all the wrong aspects. We started messing about around the beginning of recovery and as it continued I became more clingy (I mean its understandable sex=no self hating thought alone=i hate myself) So he was under the impression I was trying to hint at getting serious, so when I wanted to talk about how he has no time for me he thought I wanted to take it to the next level and was playing games etc...wasn't the case but here's the bad alikeness we both kinda take things said to us go with it dont ask questions. I think had I really expected him to be my rock I woulda told him oh yeah that one weekend we didnt see each other this summer I'd made a plan to kill myself wrote my letter to my kid and everything, but i didnt tell him and obviously didn't do it since mini me came in to my bed the next morning saying full of attitude (suprisingly no finger snap or neck roll) "Mommy I want to cuddle".
so i figured maybe my kid does need me even if the night before i'd convinced myself she didnt. Anyway...yeah so the fling ended basically on my bday (can't lie the night into my birthday orgasmic literally if nothing else he knew how to use his hands among other things) because after that we hung out once and it kinda felt like i'd become this.obligation. He knew about my issues so its just my guessing but i felt like he was scared to say done. When we met to exchange our stuff he was like he wasnt he was just so busy and he just needed to be around his guys not much talking blah blah...honestly i think he wants his cake, eat it and still be the good guy. Dont hold it against him at all though I get it. Well we have similar people from work we talk to so it was cool hanging out sometimes until i realized like 1 or 2 months late omg i genuinly liked this guy he really wasnt just a distraction from myself. It was awkward before somewhat but thats probably when i started to make it that. Dont get me wrong in between all of this I made great new friends, for a while I wore sexy/cute clothes where I was able to say you are a hottie but when you realize you like someone after it's over it sucks. I knew he distracted me from me but that I genuinly liked him not just he's a cool guy fucking sucked. Mind you at this point I am in the middle of stopping the b/p cycle trying to eat regularly so all the emotional shit is coming up anyway it was like outta ED hell, welcome to another hell. It sucks. That's where I am at now unhappy flirting with mia and sometimes taking that plunge of throwing up just to not have to deal with hating myself. Everyday I look in the mirror its like i get fatter and fatter the scale seems to be a fucking lie because apparently i have stayed between 69.5 & 72kg since I started recovery. Yeah guys weight gain aint the scary part it didnt happen really to me its that your mind still has evil tricks up its sleeve where you feel the scale is a fucking traitor rigged because there is noooooo fucking way it aint changing but pretty soon you wont fit into the mirror anymore. Honestly i think this body dysmorphic bullshit is faaaar worse than anything else.
Christmas was shit my twat of a fahja told me the day before christmas eve  that the docs cant help me. So basically I am a hopeless case. Which he is pissed I quit my job in november couldnt do it anymore talked to my boss lady she said when i am stable i can return. Doing another clinic stay this time for the eating disorder in a specialized clinic. Sometimes in february march fookin beaurocracy (sit and spin mofos i dont use autocorrect on my phone ^_^). The good thing is mini-me is coming with the bad thing fucking thinspiration will be all around...yeah i know they are miserable but they got to a lower weight before going in and i will be the fat girl...scary mates scary...will it really be productive? hope so i want to finally be happy and know i deserve it. Punishments the name of my game not praise. Its scary i know mia i dont know what this shit is....but on the bright side made two new besties british girls from work they are the fookin shit and have helped me through a lot. Feel kinda bad since right now cant be around them much not in the mood for happy cant do it and one of them freshly in love i am happy for her but when you're this deep in the hole happy people just remind you of how shit it is for you and you sit there pasting on your smile and i just cant anymore the ability to act has just disappeared cant do it. And noone should feel guilty for being happy because the grinch came out, he grew a heart maybe theres hope for me too.
On a side note just fyi i am not on a trip to pushing anyone into recovery nor scare anyone off...to each their own and you got my support no matter how it goes
Sorry for the jumble of thoughts and negativity
<3 smootches