Since i started blogging again i havent even wrote about the actual process.
Cut down on artificial sweeteners as well as stevia.
Pretty much did that every now and then i'll have something 0 sugar.
Eat regularly at least 3 times a day but better 5 small portions to keep from having that starvation binge
Working on it have really restrictive days but sometimes i get my 3 meals
If its portion size try eating something with more cals
Yeah i can do that sometimes, pasta with creamy sauce and such
Since we EDs are usually overachievers I held out on b/p almost a month straight but it wasnt my want to i felt like a junky needing a hit then i drank to much cab had to pull over i barf and.ita not OMG my colleague is sitting.in here with me but why the fuck did I ever stop...when I told my therapist she goes I'd rather have you eating regularly and b/p ing on occasion than not eating for fear of it because thats what was happening eating once at most one day all i had was a cherry tomatoe she was like not good the patients she has seen usually got better once they got the eating down and i mean its true at first when i ate regularly i really didnt feel to bad i started feeling better physically for a while i was riding on a high until the fucking emotions came and realizing shit about myself. I had gotten to the point loosing weight wasnt an issue just kinda maintaining. Going with it. To be fair i did cheerleading for a while which it was mostly getting stamina up they didnt start learning the routine so the toning was awesome but had to quit my kid couldnt handle it. With work and cheerleading i barely saw her anymore and she was suffering and the guilt came up so after quitting flab returned the food was becoming an issue again...realized i liked the fling just to much to handle and now i am so torn between getting better and just saying fuck this shit let me just waste away. Cant lie my two brits are the shit those girls havr pulled me out of a funk with them i can eat and enjoy the food.
I think for me the worst thing was thanksgiving. Some colleagues and me planned it i cooked just about everything for it ate like a true american huge ass plates and then the next day things really went downhill....i felt overfull and even if i enjoyed the night it was complete shite the following days...then i got sick with a really bad flu i couldnt smoke ciggies sounded like an asthmayic and with nerves on end would just randomly throw up at work without aid and that shits fucking scary i am on edge and my body is voluntarily purging empty stomach or not. So i started thinking fuck why am i bothered my body is giving up regardless granted logically i knew it was the stress and depression and true emotions returning anxiety in public places ive been so close to panic attacks lately its so damn hard so damn hard i know its worth it but i dont feel it is right now
Smootches
P.s. My therapist told me i always have the choice to go back to my e.d. and even after our sessions are done i can go back. Sounds crazy but it does help doesnt make it feel forced and reminds me its my choice which is good dont really feel free in my life which is prolly why the mia and ana have this hold on me but they're controlling bitches to huh
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