#4

Self-disgust took a step on my scale after my shower today. I am supposed to weigh myself once a week not more not less, usually i skip it i am that mythological ostrich that sticks its head in the sand except my neck is not as long and thin but my ass is just as wide in proportion to the rest of my body. I lost weight. WTF noooo fucking way been stuffing my face since the weekend before x-mas. Telling you scales a fucking part of the recovery conspiracy gotta be a fucking liar. So sometimes I look at recent pics of me because at times they put shit into perspective like you arent as fat as you think. Bad fucking idea. I know its Ed talking turning my emotional mess onto my body but who says logic is in charge. So my already insomnia weakened mind looked at pics from christmas. Bad idea! Fat fucking heiffer however collar bones look good just want them sculpted out a bit more...see i know its just ed talking but uuugh its slippery slope right now back into my "comforting" hell. might post pics later of my transformations this past year. Feb/march last year cut all my hair off like 3-4mm. So now its growing again still short especially since I cut a style into it before I looked like a really bad beatles imitator...bad helmet hair. Anyways so yeah what do i do start my fucking day with coffee and a cigarette. To most people thats normal for me fucking old behaviors towards restriction. Not to mention the b/ping caught up with me this summer fucking acid reflux. Whole time was trying to figure out the chest pains dizzyness my doc telling me i am faking it to get sick notes for work. Sit and spin mofo went to hospital they ran tests fucking acid reflux. So explains the dizzyness and chestpain, yeah so coffee bad idea. Dropped my energy drinks sure they didnt help when all you drink is sugar free energy and coffee and nothing else stomach said fuck yoooooouuuuu. Well it's hard my therapist is on vacay won't see her again until next week fuck. So on the edge of saying fuck it, still. Hopefully my fickleness pays off and I change my mind on that one. As much as i bitch i do want to get better i really do but its fucking hard. Not gonna sit here and write bullshit how great i am doing however somethings have changed. For example eating in public works.even enjoying the food while eating it cant always stop guilty thoughts after but it has gotten better. I can eat breakfast now...not when i go into restrictive mode but we are talking about good days. So yeah some things have changed but food and all my self-ingrained habits regarding it are still what i yearn for in bad times. Might do a post with the pics of this past year although i have avoided cameras as much as possible.
New year sucks ass mates everywhere all you see is diet tips, pictures of before and after and hear people saying i will loose weight this year, including friends.
I hear people complainin i am gonna starve myself yeah bitch got one on you don't do it its the start of a trip to hell. One of the lower levels if you want to leave demons will claw at you to keep you and if you fight them off and get out its just another hell with more horrifying demons, with higher xp points and new skills, these bastards attack on a personal level and you know some of those other demons from the other hell are still clinging to you low level ones but pshhh your xp is +.5 pts. Not much you can do about that stumbling around figuring out which demons to pic and whether to follow or fight. I know 20 million quotes out there of strength inspiration and not a damn one does the trick...cant lie glad to have friends who can sometimes snap me out of the return thoughts but its fucking tempting mates fucking tempting....
Once again a random jumble
Smootches