#2

So happy new year....yeah don't have much hope considering last year and my current state of mind so no expectations no resolutions.

A bit of review....
Last year was interesting I guess, got me a therapist to start recovery which started good except you know how eating disorders bring out your overachiever...yeah thats my struggle now but more on that later.

Had a fling with a guy at work which is a bad idea. He's not a bad guy and I guess we were alike in all the wrong aspects. We started messing about around the beginning of recovery and as it continued I became more clingy (I mean its understandable sex=no self hating thought alone=i hate myself) So he was under the impression I was trying to hint at getting serious, so when I wanted to talk about how he has no time for me he thought I wanted to take it to the next level and was playing games etc...wasn't the case but here's the bad alikeness we both kinda take things said to us go with it dont ask questions. I think had I really expected him to be my rock I woulda told him oh yeah that one weekend we didnt see each other this summer I'd made a plan to kill myself wrote my letter to my kid and everything, but i didnt tell him and obviously didn't do it since mini me came in to my bed the next morning saying full of attitude (suprisingly no finger snap or neck roll) "Mommy I want to cuddle".
so i figured maybe my kid does need me even if the night before i'd convinced myself she didnt. Anyway...yeah so the fling ended basically on my bday (can't lie the night into my birthday orgasmic literally if nothing else he knew how to use his hands among other things) because after that we hung out once and it kinda felt like i'd become this.obligation. He knew about my issues so its just my guessing but i felt like he was scared to say done. When we met to exchange our stuff he was like he wasnt he was just so busy and he just needed to be around his guys not much talking blah blah...honestly i think he wants his cake, eat it and still be the good guy. Dont hold it against him at all though I get it. Well we have similar people from work we talk to so it was cool hanging out sometimes until i realized like 1 or 2 months late omg i genuinly liked this guy he really wasnt just a distraction from myself. It was awkward before somewhat but thats probably when i started to make it that. Dont get me wrong in between all of this I made great new friends, for a while I wore sexy/cute clothes where I was able to say you are a hottie but when you realize you like someone after it's over it sucks. I knew he distracted me from me but that I genuinly liked him not just he's a cool guy fucking sucked. Mind you at this point I am in the middle of stopping the b/p cycle trying to eat regularly so all the emotional shit is coming up anyway it was like outta ED hell, welcome to another hell. It sucks. That's where I am at now unhappy flirting with mia and sometimes taking that plunge of throwing up just to not have to deal with hating myself. Everyday I look in the mirror its like i get fatter and fatter the scale seems to be a fucking lie because apparently i have stayed between 69.5 & 72kg since I started recovery. Yeah guys weight gain aint the scary part it didnt happen really to me its that your mind still has evil tricks up its sleeve where you feel the scale is a fucking traitor rigged because there is noooooo fucking way it aint changing but pretty soon you wont fit into the mirror anymore. Honestly i think this body dysmorphic bullshit is faaaar worse than anything else.
Christmas was shit my twat of a fahja told me the day before christmas eve  that the docs cant help me. So basically I am a hopeless case. Which he is pissed I quit my job in november couldnt do it anymore talked to my boss lady she said when i am stable i can return. Doing another clinic stay this time for the eating disorder in a specialized clinic. Sometimes in february march fookin beaurocracy (sit and spin mofos i dont use autocorrect on my phone ^_^). The good thing is mini-me is coming with the bad thing fucking thinspiration will be all around...yeah i know they are miserable but they got to a lower weight before going in and i will be the fat girl...scary mates scary...will it really be productive? hope so i want to finally be happy and know i deserve it. Punishments the name of my game not praise. Its scary i know mia i dont know what this shit is....but on the bright side made two new besties british girls from work they are the fookin shit and have helped me through a lot. Feel kinda bad since right now cant be around them much not in the mood for happy cant do it and one of them freshly in love i am happy for her but when you're this deep in the hole happy people just remind you of how shit it is for you and you sit there pasting on your smile and i just cant anymore the ability to act has just disappeared cant do it. And noone should feel guilty for being happy because the grinch came out, he grew a heart maybe theres hope for me too.
On a side note just fyi i am not on a trip to pushing anyone into recovery nor scare anyone off...to each their own and you got my support no matter how it goes
Sorry for the jumble of thoughts and negativity
<3 smootches